Adventures in Luigi
by DonutMonsterMan
Summary: It's not fair! All the glory goes to Mario, the most egotistical jerk in the Mushroom Kingdom, and Luigi is stuck as the sidekick nobody cares about. Until suddenly he's having adventures of his own! But there's just one problem. See, they're not exactly what you'd call happy or fun adventures. In fact they're not really much adventures as they are torture. Reviews appreciated.
1. Yoshi's House Party (at Mario's House)

**A/N: Shout out to my buddy Randomstar of AwesomeClan for helping out with this story.**

* * *

It was days such as this one where Luigi just wanted to take a Poison Mushroom and get things over with. Mario was off on another one of his sequels- uh, adventures I mean- leaving poor Luigi to look after Mario's cottage. He had watered the Piranha Plants, Poltergusted the attic, and dusted Mario's My Little Pony collection, when there was a sudden knocking at the front door. Luigi was not in the mood for this.

"I don't want any of your cookies!" he yelled from his brother's pony shrine. " _…Okay, maybe a couple thin mints…_"

"Uh… what? It's Yoshi."

Luigi opened the door. "Oh , hi, Yoshi."

"Whoa-ho, _**dude**,_ where's Mario?"

"Off stomping Goombas and stuff. What brings you here?"

"Well, brah, I… uh… um… I don't remember…. Mind if invite some ah my homies over?"

"Yes, I do mind." Luigi declared. "I can't be having a party, Mario will **_kill_ **me if there is a single thing wrong with his house."

"Um... Alright, thanks, Weeg. Where's your phone at?"

"Wha-"

As Luigi fumed with rage, Yoshi waltzed over to the phone and began to dial up his homies. After about 42 calls, there was a knocking yet again. Luigi reluctantly opened the door.

42 Yoshis flooded the kitchen.

"_Sigh… _At least there isn't more of you."

A **POP!** sounded from Blue Yoshi's butt.

42 Yoshis hatched from an egg.

"Well, at least-"

It started raining.

* * *

"Pretty swagular party, eh Weeg?" The many Yoshis were partying their tails off, much to avail of our plumber protagonist.

"No, it is **not** a 'swugaler party, eh Weeg'!" Luigi screamed. "Now gather up your buddies and **GET OUTTA THIS HOUSE!**"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, brah, 1UP yours! You said I could have a party and I had a party! Seems like you're a little agitated, eh?" Yoshi motioned to his red counterpart. "Yo, Reds! You got da goods?"

"Dang right I got dem goods."

Luigi slowly turned his head to Red. "What are you two talking about-"

Red Yoshi pulled out a plastic bag containing a single Fire Flower, and a pipe. "It's on like Donkey Kong brah!"

Luigi couldn't believe his eyes. "Get those drugs out of here! _Also I hate that guy..._"

Red Yoshi seemed puzzled by the demand. "Wha- What's wrong with da goods, brah? All they do is corrupt your mind and body until you slowly but surely rot to painful death.

Wut's wrong with dat, brah?

Drugs are good, mmkay?"

Red lit up and Mario's living room filled with smoke.

_**CRASH!**_

"Oh, what could possibly be going on now?" Luigi dashed to the source of the sound. When he arrived, he found that Yellow Yoshi had gotten a hold of the Poltergust 5000 and was sucking up everything in sight. In went the fridge, Mario's karting trophy, the couch, Mario's tennis trophy, the TV, Mario's golf trophy, the carpet, Mario's baseball trophy, the ceiling fan, Mario's standing still trophy, the computer, the Medical degree Mario bought at Waluigi-Mart for a buck fifty, and Yoshi. As you can probably imagine this was quite concerning to Luigi (besides that last part), putting the dangerous dinosaurs on his final nerve.

"That's it... I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU RAMBUNCTIOUS REPTILES!" the whole house went absolutely quiet. "**GET OUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT**!"

Silence.

For about three seconds.

"Imma go pee in the shower!"

* * *

RING RING RINGITY RING RING-GA-RINNNNNGGGG!

Amidst all the chaos, Luigi somehow was able to acknowledge the noises emanating from his butt and answered his cellphone. "Ahoy-hoy?"

"It's-a me, Maaaaaaario!

Okay, seriously, is my house being taken care of? Because it better be. Because if it's not I will **end all of your lives**."

Well this is a sitcom-like turn of events.

"_Oh, shut up, narrator_- I, uh, um, uh, yeah, Mario, I've totally got your house completely clean and there's absolutely no Yoshis peeing in your shower!"

"...

Well, you're lucky there isn't, fatty. I'll be home in fifteen minutes."

"Kay, bye!" Luigi hung up and continued to wallow in self-pity. As you can expect, this didn't last long.

"We bringin' da house down, brah!" yelled a voice from the adjacent room. And then came a **CRASH! **much like the kind one would hear if they happened to be in the same general area as a house being brought down. "Oh... well there goes the bedroom ceiling.

Hey, let's do this to the bathroom next!"

"But I'm peeing!"

And then the entire second floor collapsed, startling the Fire Flower-smoking Yoshi enough to make him sneeze.

Mario's entire bedroom became engulfed in flames.

To make a long story short, things were getting a lot worse than rain.

* * *

And then came the sirens.

"Put your hands up!" Chief Stools demanded as he and Deputy Spores burst down the front door. Every single Yoshi ran like a madman, leaving the one and only Luigi as the one and only suspect.

"Hoo boy, I told you those celebrity types always end up on Flowers." Spores silently slipped Stools five coins, grumbling as he did so. "Alright, Mr. Green Mario, you have the right to remain silent, the right to a fair trial by jury, yada yada yada, y'know what, why don't you just get in the car and I'll give you life in jail without parole, hm?"

"What? B-but- I- gah- This wasn't me! I'm a victim of circumstance!"

"That's what they all say," Chief Stools explained as he took out his handcuffs. "but those gloves of yours seem to fit quite snugly. So put 'em up in the air already, will ya?"

"Why do you think it was me? What about all these Yoshis behind me?"

"Dur hur hur, now the kid's seein' things, Sporsey!"

"Wha-" Luigi whirled around to find that the Yoshis were all but there. He hung his head low and raised his hands high. And then he saw Mario Tanooki-glide into what was left of the room.

This guy is screwed.

* * *

"**Luiiiiiiiiiiigiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii**!"

"Oh, uh, hi, Mario, heh, how's it goin', hehehe..." Luigi leaned against the wall.

It collapsed.

"What the F.L.U.D.D. did you do to my house? The wall! The ceiling! My stuff- What's that in the shower...?"

"Funny story about that, but, uh, I think I hear my taxes calling me, so, um, yeah..." Luigi began to walk out the door and bumped right into Stools. "Oh yeah, you guys... um..."

"Listen, kid, you're in serious trouble, and I-" Suddenly Chief Stools's walkie-talkie came on. "_Calling all Karts! Calling all Karts! We've got a 1138!_"

"A 1138? You got lucky, kid!" With that, Stools and Spores were on their way.

Mario glared at Luigi. "Not completely..."


	2. The Coin Stops Here

**Previously on****_ Adventures in Luigi_****...**

_"Okay, maybe a couple Thin Mints..."_

**Now...**

* * *

"So, uh, how ya been, Mario? Wonderful weather we're having, eh?" Luigi whimpered as the many dark clouds in the pitch black sky boomed while spewing rain all over the Mushroom Kingdom. He was of course trying to stall, and he was of course failing miserably.

"I wouldn't believe this if I wasn't looking at it with my incredibly sexy eyes!" Mario exclaimed as he gazed at what was once his homely little cottage. "I wouldn't even expect this level of idiocy from a failure like **you**, Luigi!"

"You don't understand, just let me explain," Luigi pleaded. "This wasn't my fault!"

"Of course it's your fault! This is gonna cost me a fortune!"

"Don't you have insurance?"

"I don't need insurance. Ha, I don't even need a bank. I cleverly hid all my money in my pillow.

Hey, wait a second."

"Uh..."

"**You've got to be kidding me! **_I knew I should have had Yoshi watch the house..._"

"But-"

"No buts except yours over here so I can spank it into next week."

Luigi nearly jumped out of his overalls. "No, Mario, listen, I- I can fix this! I'll pay for everything before the end of the month. Every last bit of it, right down to the last coin. Please, just no spankings!"

"Every single coin?"

"I swear!"

"Fine. But don't expect me to forget this."

* * *

A million coins. A million!

Luigi couldn't believe his rotten luck. _How in the eight worlds am I supposed to come up with that kind of money?_ he wondered as he trudged his way to his enormous, ornate mansion.

He unlocked the doors and entered his abode, mentally mapping out his complex plan to slump down on the couch and watch reruns of_ Keeping Up with the Koopalings_.

To make a short story shorter, he did.

Lemmy and Roy were in a serious fight. Lemmy's ball had disappeared, and he had accused Roy of swiping it. The brothers were dealing with the problem the way their father had taught them to resolve any issue, exchanging slaps and calls of "doodyhead!" Luigi was fully engrossed in this sophisticated programming when his ghost dog Polterpup (a name which basically means ghost dog) leaped onto his lap and happily licked Luigi's face, excited to see his master back home.

"Oh, hey there, boy." Seeing his dog made him a little less depressed. After all, they say happiness is a warm puppy, even if aforementioned warmth can't be felt because your arms go through him because he's a freaking ghost.

Luigi looked up to see that his program had went to a commercial break. "Are you in desperate need of loads of money?"

"Yep." Luigi sighed.

"Do you need that serious cash seriously fast?"

"Check."

"Will you get spanked if you don't get it by the end of the month?"

"Oddly specific, but yes..."

"Well stop wishing on stars and throwing coins into fountains! That's a bunch of **_crazy_** stuff that **_never_** works, only _**idiots**_ could believe that stuff could ever get them money; no, we have **_the lottery_**! That's right, a surefire way to make all your dreams come true! So get to your local convenience store and start scratching!"

When Luigi heard this, there was no stopping our hero. He dashed to the door and sprinted his way down to the market in Toad Town. He never realized Polterpup had greeted him so eagerly because he was expecting a snack. The dog hadn't eaten in three days.

* * *

Luigi happily entered the local convenience store and walked up to the register. It was the perfect plan. "The lottery is an excellent way to make money," Luigi said to himself out loud which wasn't in anyway strange. "_**Surely**_ no one has ever been disappointed by a scratch ticket!"

But people have, Luigi. And don't call me **_Shirley_**.

The Shy Guy behind the counter waited impatiently for Luigi to stop talking to himself and freaking buy something. Eventually, Luigi did just that.

"Let's see, can I get... two **?** Block Bashes and a Red Coin Roundup?"

"Dat-ill-be a-twendty a-coinds, sirh."

"Gladly, this is my ticket to never-ending wealth!"

"Yeas, shure, buddty, shure."

Luigi paid the Guy and happily made his way back to his mansion. Now it was time for the big reveal. He took a coin and began to scratch his first card. First he revealed which numbers he would need to win: 8, 16, and 64. Then he began scratching the numbers. 4, no , 32, no, 64, no, 128, no...

"Wait! 64! 64! I won!" Luigi eagerly used his coin to scratch under the number to find out how much money he had won- one million coins, perhaps?

It was...

"-5 coins? What the... how does that work-" Luigi needed no response as everything was clarified by the two Goombas who crashed through his window, beat him senseless, and snatched five dollars from his Birdo designer wallet.

"Hmph... well, that explains that. Guess I should get back to the scratch ticket then."

* * *

Disappointment. The green-clad plumber never expected to feel such an emotion after making a purchase from the lottery. Once again he tried to distract himself with television, and once again for story purposes an **_utterly_** convenient commercial came on during _Koopa Moms_.

I wish that could be pun, but, um, there aren't any cows in Mario.

"Have you or a loved one been disappointed by a lottery ticket?"

"Yes." Luigi answered to the television. "Yes I have."

"Then YOU could be titled to compensation. Call the law offices of Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe at 1-800-CASH-NOW. That's right, 1-800-CASH-NOW. Last time, 1-800-CASH- NOW. You heard it here, 1-800-CASH-"

"**Alright, I get it!**" Luigi screamed at his television.

He took out his Windows Phone with Xbox Live (you wouldn't think so, but yeah) and dialed 1-800-CASH-NOW.

* * *

"Hello, sir, hello, I hear you were the victim of lottery disappointment, yes, no, yes, yes?"

"Uh... yes." Luigi looked around the law office. These guys must have become rich from this job. They had many expensive paintings (including Vincent Van Toad's masterpiece _Bob-ombs on the Battlefield_), a huge tank teeming with rare and unusual Cheep-Cheeps (a lot of them were bottomfeeders, which Luigi probably would not have taken note of anywhere else, but come on, at a law office, it's pretty funny, irony and stuff)... oh, and also the entire building was solid gold.

"Alright, then, sir... let's make this quick, we need to get back to our ambulence chasing... I say you sue 100 million coins. And we get 99%."

"That actually works quite well for me."

"Jolly good then." Cheatum extended his arm for handshake.

Luigi shook it and the deal was made.


	3. To Kill a Mario

Luigi sat in an old wooden chair at an old wooden desk with his lawyers. Across the room the Chain Chomp in charge of the lottery, Rodney Ripoff, did the same. Everyone in the courthouse was awaiting the judge to take his or her post, but he or she had not even arrived yet.

"Sorry I'm late," a voice apologized. How strange it was... Luigi swore he had heard the voice before. He swore it in court so it must have been pretty serious.

The office standing in front of the judge's desk cleared things up. "This is the case of Mario v Ripoff, all rise for the honorable Judge Yoshi."

The 'honorable' judge slowly made his way to his chair, waving to everyone like he was some kind of movie star.

"Wha-" Luigi couldn't believe his eyes or ears. "Oh, dear gosh, please help me."

"Nope, you're on your own, kid." Gosh went back to his television to finish watching Full House.

Yoshi took his seat and addressed the plaintiff, defendant, their lawyers, the jury, and the large crowd of seven with this: "Whaddup mah homies?"

"Since when are you a judge?" Luigi questioned the drug-smoking, house-burning dinosaur.

"Oh, well I'm tryin' to save up for this beast video game, so, like, I'm doin' this part-time and stuff, brah." Yoshi explained. "Now, uh, before we begin, I need to make sure the camera and mic tests were satisfactory. Bill?"

A Lakitu at the other end of the room gave a thumbs-up, leaving Luigi more befuddled than ever.

Suddenly a booming disembodied voice filled the room. "This... is... Judge Yoshi, sponsored by Absorbo-Pants, for when you have to go but don't want to." One of the cameras began to slowly zoom in on Luigi, who could respond only by weakly faking a smile and waving, all the while wondering what the hell was going on. "This is the plaintiff, Luigi J. Mario, who is suing the Mushroom Kingdom Lottery one hundred million coins for using their product to give him a severe case of disappointed." The camera continued to close-up on Luigi, eventually knocking him over, causing him to fall over the gate between the people involved in the case and the bystanders. He landed in the lap of a fat old woman. She had a mustache.

Disembodied Booming Court Voice continued his narration. "This is the defendant, Rodney Ripoff. He is the CEO, COO, and Vice President of Marketing at the Mushroom Kingdom Lottery Company." Rodney also faked a grin, and probably would have waved as well if he had arms.

"And now the honorable Judge Yo-"

"I, uh, I'm already here."

"Ah. I see. I guess I'm done then." A tiny Goomba wearing a propeller hat and carrying a lollipop got up and left.

Judge Yoshi directed attention to Mr. Ripoff. "So let's get this crap over with. How ya plead, brah?"

"Not guilty!" Rodney rapidly replied.

"Alrokie-dokie. Are all the poor jury suckers here?" Yoshi asked the court clerk.

"_Yes, your honor._" And the twelve men in the jury certainly didn't look happy about it either. One might even say they appeared to be... angry.

If you are old you will get that last reference, and you will also find it to be quite forced.

"Hokie-pokie-dokie." Yoshi proceeded. "Then let's see some evidence or something. You said you got sick or something from the scratch tickets."

Howe spoke for Luigi. "Yes, your honor he has been afflicted with Dissapointmentosisitis. _Show 'em, Mario._"

"_Oh, right._" Luigi made puppy dog eyes and pouty lips.

"I see." Yoshi examined Luigi's face. "I think I should get the court physician to take a better look at this. Dr. Mario V. Mario, front and center."

"Oh, c'mon!" Luigi couldn't believe it. Actually with his luck he could.

Mario approached his little brother, and when he saw who it was, for a second he ditched his happy-go-lucky public image and went into super jerk mode. "_Oh, hello, Luigi,_" he whispered to his sidekick with a develish grin. He then gave Judge Yoshi his professional evaluation. "He's faking. Yeah, so, uh, the defendant is innocent. Bye."

And he left.

The crowd began to angrily boo at the plaintiff. Except for the Boo, who hissed.

Suddenly the entire ceiling opened up and gallons of green slime covered Luigi from hat to toe. If it wasn't clear, he lost.

Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe looked down at their client. Dewey was the first to break the news to Luigi. "We're still going to need 99 million coins. So yeah."

* * *

Luigi met up with Mario outside the courthouse, still wet from the sliming. The Sliming. Hm. Kind of sounds like the title of a movie they would air on SyFy.

"W-what was that in there? If I had won, which I think I would have if not for the fact that you had to tell them I faked, I would have gotten the million coins I needed to fix your house!"

"Yep," Mario responded. "But I like messing with you. Now I'm late for a golf tournament. So go get my money some other way, fatty."

Luigi sat down on the steps of the courthouse and reflected on the past week. _What a fine mess I've gotten myself into_, he thought. _I shouldn't have even answered the door. _He wasn't able to reflect for very long. All of the sudden his hands felt very tight and stiff. He turned around to see Officer Stools and Deputy Spores, who was holding the handcuffs.

"There you are. We've been looking all over for you. I can't tell you how many times we had to search the Donut Land Doughnut Shop! We had to buy a box every time!"

"_I have a feeling that's the reason you kept looking there._" Luigi was just making a wild guess. "Also AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He tried to run but fell over, launching Spores forward onto the step below Luigi. Spores began to fall forward again, which then caused Luigi to be launched onto the step below Spores. This continued until they reached the cement, where Luigi broke his nose.

"Finally, your mildly amusing slapstick gag is over. Now get back in the courthouse."

"I hate life."


	4. I Don't Have a Funny Name for this One

And in he went, right back into the courthouse. Mario v the Country for Fire Flower possession. And who would be the plaintiff attorney but the Red Yoshi who brought the Fire Flowers to the party. Luigi's lawyer? He didn't have one now.

"Hey, Weeg! Long time, no see!" Judge Yoshi whispered from his post.

"I was just in here, Yoshi."

"Oh. Well I lost my short-term memory in tuba-playing accident."

"..."

"Yeah..."

"No way, dude, you didn't tell me Luigi would be here!" Red Yoshi called from across the room. "HEY WEEGEE!"

"**Listen, buddy, it's your fault I'm here, so don't you ****_dare_**** HEY WEEGEE me or I will end you.**"

"Whoa-ho, dude, 1-UP yours, 1-UP yours. I didn't do nothin'."

Luigi's head was about to combust spontaneously all over the courtroom. "**YOU DIDN'T DO NOTHIN'? ****_YOU_**** SNUCK THE FIRE FLOWERS INTO ****_MY_**** HOUSE!**"

The crowd of four gasped. Except that one weird guy said the word 'gasp' instead of just gasping but basically they gasped.

"Hey, Luigi, chillax, brah-" Judge Yoshi tried to shut the plumber up before he let the Cat Power-Up out of the **?** Block about the wild party.

"**-AT MR. "YOUR HONOR'S" STUPID PARTY!**"

"Duh, um, duh, der, eh, mmm, ugh, mmm, der, uh, um..." Judge Yoshi was sweating his pants. Okay it wasn't sweat. And he wasn't wearing pants. So he had to pay a carpet cleaning bill later.

"Well, well, well." said Cheif Stools. "You come with me, dinosaurs. You're free to go, Green Mario."

"Yay!" Luigi had reason to be happy now.

"But I'm watchin' you." He did the thing you know the eye thing where you point at your eyes with your middle and pointer fingers and then do the same to another person's eyes yeah you know what I mean okay.

Luigi felt a bit better about life. Then he remembered the whole million coins thing.

* * *

_Think, Luigi, think... _Luigi thought.

And he did.

* * *

Luigi knock-knocked in the door of Toad's house.

"Who's there?" called a voice from inside.

"Um, doctor?"

"Doctor who?

...

Oh, I see what you did there. Well come in."

Luigi stepped inside of the mushroom man's mushroom house.

"Alright, Toad, I need cash. Fast. So can I play one of your stupid carnival games, but win a crapload of coins instead of one of those friggin' penguin costumes?

They make me look fat."

"Alright, alright." Three chests randomly materialized in the middle of the room. They then opened up to reveal that each contained a different object. Chest 1 had a Bowser symbol, Chest 2 had the coin crapload, and Chest 3 a Bowser Jr. symbol.

"Where do you buy enemy nation symbols exactly?"

"I have my people..."

The items returned to their chests, which closed and began to switch places rapidly until soon they stood still again.

"Chest #1." Luigi answered with a tone that said, "It's Chest #1."

Toad opened Chest 1 number one and there sat a million coins. "Wha- How did you beat my game?"

"Simple." Luigi explained. "I picked the World 1 Toad."

"True..."

* * *

_Why didn't I think of this before? _Luigi finally could pay Mario all the damages.

"Mario? Mario? I got your money!" No answer.

Odd. Mario told him that he was using Apartment 42 at Mushroom Heights Apartments as a temporary living space. Of course Luigi wouldn't be surprised if Mario just told everyone that and then made a temporary living space out of Peach's bedroom.

If you know what I mean.

Hm?

Mmm.

Mmmmmmmmm.

Anyway Mario's absence caused Luigi to search all over Toad Town for his brother. Eventually it seemed he wasn't to be found anywhere, not even Peach's bedroom, which was hard to get into by the way. "Mario is missing!"

Luigi sat down on a wooden park bench next to a pigeon dung-covered statue of his brother, exhausted from searching every pixel of the town. He never ever thought he would be disappointed if the jerk just disappeared. Always scolding him, calling him names, taking advantage of him, giving him spankings until he couldn't sit down for the rest of the week. And yet he was worried.

Because deep down, Luigi thought, his older brother did love him. Perhaps he was just a bit misguided. A bit confused. Like he wanted to show Luigi he cared about him, but he simply wasn't sure how. Like he didn't know how.

That moment Luigi vowed that if he ever found his brother, he would make sure he would try to help Mario to show his caring in a better way, now matter how much it took. Because deep down he cared about the jerk too. He didn't want them to end up never talking to each other. Never seeing each other again.

And certainly not like Dad and Uncle Billy.

_No, Luigi, don't ever think about that. _He usually didn't, but sometimes it just... slipped.

"Luigi!"

The owner of the name looked up to see his big brother. "Mario!"

He ran up to Mario and suffocated him in the tightest, warmest hug the worlds had ever seen.

"Mario, you're okay!"

"Yeah...-"

"Oh, I'm so glad you're safe! Listen, I want to start rekindling our brotherly bond, right here and right now. Sometimes I don't treat you the way I should and sometimes... um... you don't do so to me either. But let's forgive and forget! We'll be much nicer and much happier from now on! See, I'll start, I've got the million coins you need to repair your house right here!"

Mario sighed and sat down on the bench too.

"I won't be needing that."

"...Huh?"

"Toad put me on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition."

Luigi's head spontaneously combusted.


	5. Luigi's Exciting Trip to the Hospital

Luigi was not happy. He was stuck in the hospital and his only entertainment was whatever soap opera the nurse had on. Currently it was Super Sexy Shirtless Vampire Sexy Drama Sexxxxyyyyyyy. Which was of the quality one might expect of such a title.

So yeah it sucked.

During the episode where Britney finds out Chad got her pregnet with a sexy vampire baby and later finds out Chris also got her pregnant with five sexy vampire babies, there was a knock at the door of Luigi's room. "Uh... hi, Luigi." It was Yoshi and Mario.

Luigi did not respond. Partly because he was angry with them and partly because his entire head was in a cast.

"Uh... hello?"

"Shhhhh..." whispered the nurse. "This is the part where Jack gets Britney pregnant with nine sexy vampire babies."

"...

Right. So, um, we brought you a balloon," Yoshi continued. "like to cheer you up and junk."

Luigi noticed the blue foil balloon, which was decorated with rainbows and unicorns prancing around the words 'Don't die and stuff.'

"And I made you a cake!" added Mario.

Luigi narrowed his eyes, the only visible part of his face, in a skeptical fashion.

"Okay, fine, Peach made it, but it was my idea." Mario admitted, still not satisfying Luigi. "Alright, alright, Peach made the cake and came up with the idea for doing so, but I saved her from making endless love to a giant turtle, so it is indirectly my doing."

"Also are you gonna eat that?" Yoshi asked, pointing to a potted Piranha Plant positioned under the window. The plant responded by violently chomping the air in some kind of show of superiority. Yoshi ate it anyway.

* * *

Bowser sat on his throne of Toad skulls in the heart of his castle, reflecting on his most recent failure and moronicly spending real-life coins on stupid cheatsy power-ups for all his smartphone games.

"Why does Mario beat me every time?" he wondered aloud while munching on a bulb berry muffin from the Donut Plains Bakery.

He realized why right when the berry's powers made him glow, which made for a mildly humorous cartoon gag that doesn't sound particularly clever in text form and dammit I'm getting back to the story now.

"Maybe I should stop installing self-destruct buttons on my bridges! But then again I get a free slushee maker each time I order..."

Kamek, the very Magikoopa who ran Bowser's army and raised him, flew into the room. Bowser responded by returning the love.

"What the hell do you want, can't you see I'm cheating at Grumpy Paragoombas?"

"Dark Lord Bowser, your Majesty, there is someone who would like to speak with you."

"And who would that be?"

"He is the leader of another enemy nation of the Mushroom Kingdom. His name is King Wart, your irritableness."

Bowser looked up frrom his game with a suprised look on his face. "Bring him in."

* * *

Five long days and four hard nights passed before it was decided Luigi's face had healed from the asplosion. Mario's house was fixed, the Yoshis got their punishment, his face was reconstructed, and he dragon-kicked those lawyers into a pit of acid. Yeah you didn't get to see that part.

Now Luigi could relax and actually feed his Polterpup, who hadn't eaten in a week.

Actually, wait a second.

What was Yoshi doing at the hospital? He was arrested.

DING-DONG!

And so it began.


	6. A Pleasant Visit from Good Ol' Yoshi

Luigi did not want to answer that door. Answering a door had already caused a bit of a problem recently. He did not want to cause another. And yet, for somd odd reason, he still felt a need to answer the door. But he shouldn't? He couldn't. He most certainly wouldn't!

He did.

"Hey, Weeg! Right, so, uh, Mario's been helpin' me evade the fuzz for a while now, you won't believe how hard it was to get into the hospital to see if you where okay the other day. 'Cause we care about you, brah! And you care about me, right? So let me hide here while Mario's on his date."

Luigi thought carefully.

"No."

Yoshi looked shocked. "What- why?"

"I thought you learned your lesson, Yoshi, and Mario too. But I guess neither one of you did." Luigi explained. "But it would appear you haven't. So I'm calling the cops."

...

...

...

Yoshi kicked Luigi in the crotch and punched him in the nose, then ran up the stairs.

"...

Well, I can't argue with that." Luigi tried his best to simply return to his usual routine and ignore the Jurassic Druggie. He grabbed a book and did some reading.

But he simply couldn't focus. The words seemed blurred and small. He could barely focus on comprehending the plot. And worst of all, he kept reading the same sentences over and over. And worst of all, he kept reading the same sentences over and over.

Eventually he couldn't get himself through another word of Fifty Stars of Gray. He had to solve this problem. But Yoshi perfectly demonnstrated why you should not screw with Yoshi. He had to confront Mario.

"Yoshi? " he called "Where is Mario exactly?"

"Oh, he's at that fancy resteraunt down the road with Peach. Now shut up, I'm trying to piss." Yoshi answered courteously.

"You're not in my shower, are you?"

"Hey, uh, lets go to the next chapter, bye!"

"Oh, no you do-


End file.
